TO HELL AND BACK

Do you know what it's like

To be so consumed with self doubt.

That it eats a hole through your heart,

Letting what little self esteem you have leak out?

You wonder:

Why can't anyone love, like, or (heaven forbid!) even just accept me?

The little devil's advocate sitting on your shoulder reminds you

That you're nothing worth hanging onto.

You see others seeming so self-confident.

You wish you could be like them for just a little while,

Wondering what it's like to live a normal life

Of friends, family, and love,

Instead of your own self-made purgatory

Of self-pity, self-loathing, and self-deprication.

It's hell living from one moment to the next.

Never knowing where the next crumb of approval will come from.

Never knowing if you'll truly believe in yourself.

Never knowing when the black cloud will lift

And let a little sunshine into your life.

I should know.

I've been to hell and back so many times I've lost count.

(11-29-2000)

(rev. 3-15-2000)