INDECISION SUICIDAL

Feeling lower than I ever had before,

Feeling more alone than I ever was,

What could I do?

I couldn't go on living like this.

I couldn't go on living.

I lay in bed

In my dark, unlit room,

Pondering the possibilities.

To down the bottle of pills on my nightstand

And close my eyes.

To feel the love of the opiate high,

Never again feeling loneliness

Or fighting the never-ending battle with my demon, Depression.

To feel the cold kiss of the razorblade

On my cold, cold, wrists.

To feel the hot rush of blood through my veins,

Warming my wrists and Arctic soul

As my vision turned gray and faded.

I lay in bed

In my dark, unlit room

Pondering the possibilities.

But I couldn't make up my mind.

So, I chose life instead.

(7-17-2000)

(rev. 3-15-2001)

(rev. #2: 7-21-2007)

(rev. #3: 11-2-2008)

EVERYTHING

Everything I was

I wrapped up in you.

Everything I loved

I entrusted to you.

Everything you said

I held close to my heart.

Everything we were

Eventually tore us apart.

(7-5-2000)

POEM OF A BROKEN HEART

This poem

Screams out my pain

Each time I fail again.

It rears its head and demands

That my soul be heard

In how it was hurt.

This poem

Is made of glass shards

That pierce through my heart.

This poem is my broken heart

As it bleeds feelings

To the sound of my weeping.

(6-24-2000)

MY ESTRO-GENERATION

I, woman.

I, mass of hormones and conflicting emotions.

I, water-retentive bitch.

I ride the crimson tide as it overflows Tampon Dam each month!

I revel in it!

Welcome, to my estrogeneration.

(5-24-2000)

(rev. 8-2-2004)

(rev 2: 7-21-2007)

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

I'm writing these notes a month and a half late.

I know I've put it off for the umpteenth time,

But I like to take my time

Thinking about what I want to accomplish this year.

But what do I want to accomplish this year?

Year after year I wrote:

I will lose weight.

I will be popular.

I will find a soulmate.

I will get recognition from others.

I will be happy.

I will have it all.

But these things don't seem as important

As they did when I was young,

Especially after the times I hoped and drove and strived

To achieve the goals I set for myself

Only to watch them fall by the wayside.

(2-19-2000)

(rev. 8/17/2001)

CIGARETTE SMOKE

She lights her Marlboro

With a tabletop candle.

All the while, sounds of poetry

Drift around like cigarette smoke.

(2-15-2000)

ECHOES

I lived around her for years,

Never bothering to notice

The little parts of her that made up me

I always fancied myself the mirror image of my father.

From the eyes to the ears to my smile,

From the fire-engine red Irish temper,

To a fondness for a good drink, garlic, and good food.

But now thatI'm out from under my mother's wing,

I start to notice the little things in her that make up me.

I realize how much she echoes in me

When did my mother's illumination shine down on me?

The day I opened my mouth

And heard my mother's laugh echo where mine should have been.

2-9-2000

rev. 8-26-2003

MILLENIUM DAWN

The clock chimes midnight,

Two zero zero zero

Life begins tonight.

The new sun shines on.

It's my time for letting go.

Millennium dawn.

(1-5-2000)

CHIME (RIGHT IN)

Chime!

Wrong word, wrong time

Chime! (right in)

Misheard, missed lines

Dumb me

Chime! (right in)

Hey!

Just shut me up!

Chime! (right in)

(1-2-2000)

(rev. 8-3-2000)

HAPPINESS IS A MAN I TOOK HOME LAST NIGHT

I looked for surface affection,

Nothing deeper than our skin

No pleasure greater

Than that of the moment.

No commitments were needed.

I certainly didn't need any from him.

I took him home totally unawares

Not knowing that a one night stand would turn into the rest of our lives.

(1-5-2000)

WINTER SOLSTICE

I am the color of the night sky with no light

Even though the man in the moon smiles down on me.

I wait in the wings beneath the willow tree,

Waiting for the spring in my winter

Snowflakes fall, blanketing the ground,

Kissing me on my upturned face

The way I dreamed you kissing me so many times

After countless moments spent sitting in snow and moonlight

Another caress on my face

Feather-light like snow, but warm like sunlight

I open my eyes and look into a field of blue.

You.

And in the midst of my winter,

A new season has begun.

(12-22-1999)

PLAYTIME

Lying together in bed

Entwined and exhausted after a playful romp

That damn near broke the bed frame

I start to drift off to sleep

I close my eyes

But hold off sleep so I can savor the feelign a while longer.

You hear the phone ring

You grumble and get up to answer, naked as the day you were born

You toss the bedsheet over me so I don't get cold

But draw it back slightly

When it falls over my head

You kiss my hair

Then go get rid of the idiot

And while you're at it, unplug the phone.

You come back, jump into bed

I'd turned over in the opposite direction, so you spoon me

Your arm snakes aroudn my middle

And you pull me up against you

I feel the hair on your chest like silk caressing my back

I wiggle my bare bottom just a bit just to get comfortable

(And to feel your reaction, little tease that I am)

Sure enough

I feel a jerk and a start, and a sharp intake of breath.

Now sleep is starting to claim me

Now's a good time as any to drift off

I yawn and stretch, content for now

You take advantage of my vulnerable position this time

And caress my small breasts you say

Are more than woman enough for you

That, you damn well know, gets my attention

You go on caressing me, then tickling me

Because you know how that gets me off

Grab my sides and catch your hands

I dissolve into peals of laughter

That gets me turned in your direction again

The way you like it

Lips touch in a mutual fire

Laughter dissolves into sighs of pleasure

You take me in your bare arms and body again

Rolling over and over as one

The magic begins anew

(7-25-1999)

WEDDING DAY

Wondering at your gaze

Dressed in white

Wrapped in lace

Caressed in silk

Butterflies today

String of pearls

My wedding day.

(7-23-1999)

BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR EYES

Sweet thing, save those luscious lips for me.

I've been waiting for you.

Will you wait for me?

But I know the gist of it all

You jest

You kid around about your passions,

But do you know the depth of it all for me?

Something in your dark, Italian-eyed, devil-may-care,

Smiling stare

Caught me there.

How could you be so beautiful in my eyes?

I dream at night

I fantasize.

You look at me in a different light.

I look at you with love and longing.

I'm surprised you don't see it.
Look. . .and see a heart beating inside.
Am I beautiful in your eyes?

Just when my heart starts to despair

Of my dream, my heart's desire, coming true,

Tears fill my eyes,

And I start to cry

When you turn to me and whisper

Those magical words I've waited so long to hear:

"You're beautiful in my eyes."

(7-21-1999)

(rev. 3-5-2002)

(rev. 2: 10-22-2008)

BUTTERFLY ON THE ROSE

Butterfly on the rose

Cool, soft gentle breeze

Reflections of a perfect day.

Leaves, grass bright as emeralds

Caressing my feet as I walk

Into another perfect morning.

White wings alight

Soft, white bespeckled wings

On the pink-yellow swirl of

The rose's fragrant petals.

The butterfly on the rose

The perfect end to a perfect day

The sun's illuminating

Every corner, every shade

Banishing all shadows.

(6-7-1999)

(rev. 3-5-2002)

PRAYER OF GRATITUDE

Ever wonder why

You don't get what you want

Even when you're on your knees

In abject supplication

To the Guy upstairs?

Maybe you didn't do enough.

I'm not talking about doing enough praying.

I'm talking about just doing.

Because no amount of wishing

No amount of "Hail Mary's"

No amount of "Jesus Christ, PLEEZE make it work this time,

And I'll give you my only misbegotten son!"

Will gain you your heart's desire

If you don't get off your fat ass

And make it happen

Why?

Because it took a divine, swift kick

From his celestial boot

To my fat ass

To make the connection that I missed too many opportunities

In time spent in prayer

Thanks, God!

Amen

(5-26-1999)

MOONLIGHT

The pale blue light of this place

The pale blue light on your face

The sweet softness of your lips

The sweet softness of our kiss

The pale, soft look in your eyes

Your pale, soft touch on my thighs

The soft, sweet scent of our love

Our taste of heaven above

(5-23-1999)

THY KISS

How do I rank thy kiss?

Let me recount the ways...

Thy smile is wrinkled and pugly.

Thy lips are like Brilo pad.

Thy teeth as yellow as the noon sun.

Thy tongue as furry as mouldy bread.

In other words, it reeks.

And thee had to ask.

(5-1-1999)

(rev. 3-5-2002)