FINDING FAITH AGAIN

I’m lying in darkness,
In bed with my husband, Hopelessness,
This endless despair cuts my heart,
And nothing numbs the pain anymore.

Doing some crazy shit
Like dreaming of slitting my throat
Lengthwise along the jugular
To make damn sure
Every last drop of congealed blood is squeezed out.
Finding myself passed out
On the floor of the bus,
Not even remembering what day it was.

Answering myself more than once or twice
My vice gives me GREAT advice
“Try doing that again.
Take another drink.
It worked for you before,
And maybe things will even turn out differently this time.”

Yeah right,
What kind of insane shit thinking is that?
Obviously, something ain’t adding up
Because I’ve lost, am losing, or stand to lose
Everything that matters to me:
Money.
My home.
My possessions.
Gainful Employment.

To say nothing of what should matter to me:
My sanity.
My integrity.
My morals.
My friends and family.
The men I loved.
My LIFE.

I mean, obviously something in my thinking
Is stinking to high heaven to begin with
When my priorities are so skewed
That I put money and things over you.
But damn, I don’t know
How to untangle this web I’ve woven.
How to wake up from this nightmare I haven’t woken up from in I don’t know how long.
How to figure out what I’ve done wrong
And how I can set those wrongs to right.

Damn, I’m in for the fight of my life.

Another person said, yes you are.
But admitting that is the first step.
Now, you have to see how the old ways haven’t worked.
You tried it yourself before.
And look where and what it got you.
No money.
No home.
No possessions.
No gainful employment.

You stand to lose everything still,
If you keep stumbling down the same dark road you’ve been tripping down.
But look what you still have despite everything.
Morals, loose as they are.
Integrity, shot as it is.
Friends and family, distrustful as they are.
Your life, though you may feel like dying.

And love.
Yes, despite everything you put yourself and others through,
You still have love all around you.
And, whether you believe it or not, there’s love above you, too.

Doing it your way didn’t work before,
So now, maybe it’s time for a little something more.
There are plenty of shoulders to lean on
Of those who’ve been exactly where you’ve been
And of the Almighty, who’s seen just about everything there is to see.
You’re not unique, and that’s the beauty of it.
Have a little faith,
He does, and they do, in you.

I’m in for the fight of my life.
But I need to have faith.
Have a little faith,
He does, and they do, in me.

(3-2-2009)